Read this Post Before Your Wife Hates You for Living the Hustle Life

...or how rockstars can be family men too.

NOTE: The original version of this post was written in 2015. I’ve pulled this post out of retirement and dusted it up for those of us that need the reminder.

The hustle life is so damn sexy.

Work. Work. Work.

Work harder than is humanly possible.

Work 20 hours a day.

Make every waking thought about the growth of your business and brand.

Hustle hard enough, and eventually, your little business with stand out. Venture Capitalists will back dump trucks full of money up to your apartment in a whirlwind round of angel investments.

That’s when you stop going home for dinner.

Techcrunch, Wired, Fast Company, and Inc will all do stories about how hard you work and how no one else was willing to put in the hours you did.

You start sleeping at the office.

Podcasters will be salivating to book you months in advance to have your name in their episode feed.

You forget family birthdays.

Hustle. Hustle. Hustle.

Your wife starts to hate you.

There are consequences to adopting a “Hustle” mentality.

Forsaking all else to outwork your competition for a chance at extraordinary success has its price.

Before you go all in on the #hustle life…I want to share a story.

The Hustle Trap

You want to be a successful entrepreneur.

You want to be a successful entrepreneur so badly. You want to be your own boss and build a business you’re proud of. You want your wife and kids to be proud of what you do daily.

You want some damn self-respect.

You want, you want, you want… but you also have a family. You have responsibilities (kids) and obligations (mortgage).

The idea of stepping out on your own at this point in your life isn’t bold; it’s irresponsible.

You secretly create your website and begin blogging. You’ve got talent. People start to comment on your work and connect with you on social media.

Influencers in your space recognize your skills and occasionally mention your work within their own.

As the trend line in Google Analytics rises, so does your confidence. In a moment of self-indulgence, you ask your wife to take a look at your latest work.

“Wow, honey, this is good.”

Recognizing talent and yet unwilling to do battle over something they don’t understand, permission is granted for you to pursue your “dream.”

At first, everything is good.

Your motivation and drive spark flames that had been tempered over years of marriage, corporate life, and parenting.

The rush of early achievement is intoxicating.

You haven’t felt this free since your first day of college.

Friends and family pepper you with questions about the new stream of content you’re sharing on Facebook. You’re more than happy to answer.

Feigning humility while explaining your new endeavor, you quietly judge each as unequal to the path you’ve set yourself upon.

Smelling the contempt in your responses, after a few weeks, the questions slow.

But you don’t care; they don’t understand what you’re trying to do.

They don’t understand the #hustle.

So you check your phone throughout dinner while playing with the kids and in between pauses during your wife’s recap of her day.

You’re trying to build something.

Your daily affirmations become a series of little white lies:

“I’m doing this for my family.”

“My wife will respect me more if I own a successful business.”

“I’ll have time for my family once my business is successful.”

The worst part is strangers confirm your delusions. You have talent, and you work hard. People take notice, and the DMs start to roll in:

“How do you produce so much?”

“Keep hustling!”

“You’re a machine!”

These strangers get you. Why doesn’t your family?

You keep #hustling.

You only need five hours of sleep.

You can sleep when you’re dead.

You’re miserable, tired, and irritable. This is the price of building businesses and living the #hustle life.

Then one day, you listen to James Altucher’s podcast and hear Derek Sivers share his experience building CD Baby. Derek explains his position on entrepreneurship. Derek describes an entrepreneurial journey that doesn’t involve grinding yourself into the dust working 19-hour days.

Respecting Derek Sivers' opinion, you look up from your keyboard for the first time in weeks. You look up, expecting to lock eyes with your wife and share a loving moment.

Maybe tonight I’ll take a break.

Yeah. Just one more email.

Just let me finish setting up this Facebook Ad campaign.

Just ten more minutes.

Except, when you look up, your wife isn’t there.

Your wife hasn’t been there for a long time.

You’ve officially hustled onto an island no one wants to visit.

Congratulations.

The #hustle is lonely.

You can’t put your finger on it, but something is different. There is a distance that wasn’t there before.

Neither of you has the balls to bring it up.

Routine jokes fall flat, nits get picked, and sexual advances get squashed.

Something is very wrong.

But how could something be wrong? You’re hustling for the family. Doesn’t she see all you’ve sacrificed to be a success?

Why can’t she see you’re doing this for her (and the kids)?

You’re doing this so the family never has to worry about {insert bullshit goal no one other than you cares about}.

Ok.

You can understand why, maybe, she might be upset. She did have to take care of the kids alone, again, when you decided last minute to take an unpaid speaking engagement because it was a good opportunity for exposure.

But she keeps telling you she understands.

She’s smiling when she says she understands.

So you book another out-of-town speaking gig for “exposure.” It will all pay off someday.

She’ll see.

She doesn’t see.

How could she see? You’re gone all the time. When you’re home, your face is buried in the phone. You “forget” to take care of simple household errands.

You haven’t been present in a long time.

The Questions

Feeling her husband slipping away, your wife begins to ask questions:

• Why are you going on this trip?

• Do you need to be on that thing right now?

• Why do you come to bed so late?

You get defensive.

You make excuses.

You start thinking about the next blog post.

Just one more hour before I go to bed. She won’t mind. She’s already sleeping.

She feels rejected.

Simple disagreements turn into full-blown arguments.

You start saying things like:

• “Lower your voice,” and

• “Not in front of the kids.”

What does she want from you?

You’re hustling (for the family).

Why doesn’t she understand this will all pay off someday?

Then you stop talking altogether. At first, you tell yourself this is a good thing. Out of respect, you’re being given space to get shit done.

Even if you know this is a lie deep down inside, it doesn’t matter. Just one more blog post. Just one more selfie on Instagram. This is the last email, I promise.

You’re addicted to the #hustle.

Barbs, jabs, and full-on frontal assaults become how you communicate.

And god forbid anyone questions what you’re doing. You’re ready to go to war with anyone who has the gall to question your decisions.

Fights become the only way she can connect with you.

You hate it.

She hates you (you’re pretty sure).

She just misses you.

You keep saying, “Everything will return to how it was… soon.”

Here’s the horrible part, the #hustle is working.

You’re getting results. Google Analytics screams at you, “More, More, More!”

So you hustle more. You write more. You do more videos. One more podcast interview.

You spend a night figuring out this Snapchat thing.

Then one day, you get in the car, look at the person next to you and realize you have nothing to say.

All you can think about is how you’re going to get more people on your next Live Stream.

She doesn’t want to hear about that… and honestly, you don’t want to have to explain what a Live Stream is.

So there you sit, silent. The old jokes are gone. Somehow bitterness and ambivalence have taken the place of passion and appreciation.

You start asking, “Is something wrong?” A lot.

She says, “Nothing…” A lot.

But you know it’s NOT nothing. You know it’s something. It feels like something big.

But she won’t tell you (at least not in words), and you have an email newsletter that must get out tomorrow.

So you her a comment on how awesome your kids are and start brainstorming email subject lines.

She starts to cry.

Don’t Blame Gary Vaynerchuk

“But Ryan, don’t you watch the #AskGaryVee Show? It’s hustle or die.”

Let’s get this straight, #hustle is just another word for work hard.

You get that, right?

Hustle = Hard Work.

When Gary Vaynerchuk leans forward into the camera and blasts off on #hustle, he’s telling you to work hard.

It’s just that building your brand on the “Work hard life” is not sexy. Hustle, as a word, is sexy. It’s exciting. It has a panache. It has just enough of the ’90s gangster rap vibe to still be super cool.

Gary Vaynerchuk is telling you to work hard.

He is not advocating you be a selfish dick by working yourself into a divorce.

No.

Don’t make the mistake of taking stupid memes out of context.

You have to actually live the life you build for yourself.

If that life is built on selfishness and 19-hour days, that’s exactly what you’re going to get back.

As Jason Fried explains, “Being tired isn’t a badge of honor.”

There is nothing in business more satisfying than coming home to love and appreciation of your family.

Shit. You’re an adult. You should know this.

Embrace Shared Struggle

But life happens.

We all make choices, and sometimes those choices are bad. Sometimes we choose ourselves, and everyone hates us for it.

That doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole.

You can stop being an asshole.

It takes mindfulness.

It takes self-awareness.

It takes giving a shit about your significant other and putting their needs before your next blog post.

Where there is love, there is hope. Even when it seems like the world is burning down around you.

Repairing a damaged relationship takes effort.

It starts with little things, like making a special trip to your wife’s office to deliver her a Diet Pepsi.

Listen.

Listen like you give a shit. Better yet, actually give a shit.

At first, none of this will work.

You’ll wonder if it’s possible to repair the damage.

Keep trying. Keep making jokes. Keep doing the laundry. Start vacuuming. Remove the burden from her life.

Your #hustle life has done nothing but place an undue burden upon her. The least you can do is take some of that burden back.

Be present.

I mean, super present. No phone. Be there completely in mind and body.

Ask questions.

Ask questions and care about her response.

Ask follow-up questions. Let her know you’re listening.

Keep trying because one day, out of the blue and for a reason you won’t exactly be able to put your finger on, her guard will come down.

It will be a small thing. Maybe just a smile. But damn, that smile. That’s the smile you fell in love with. That’s the smile you lost.

You feel as good as you’ve felt in a long time.

The sun is brighter, colors more vivid, and beer is colder.

“This is life!”

Unfortunately, the hard part has only begun.

You can’t go back to being a selfish asshole.

She loves you. She wants you, not the #hustle version of you.

This is a confusing and frustrating time. You are torn between being the partner and father you know you are versus the rockstar, ninja, guru, #hustle, world dominator you want to be.

Stress ensues. Soul-sucking, head throbbing, chest-tightening stress cripples your #hustle life and the family life you’ve worked so hard to reclaim.

Stress evolves into despair. Despair for regret you haven’t yet felt.

“I don’t want to be that 80-year-old who never went for it…”

How to Hustle Without Becoming an Asshole

Here’s the secret to living the #hustle life without becoming an asshole:

1) Do work that matters.

Stop doing things that don’t matter. I’m serious. I’m dead-ass, 100% serious.

Do you really need to do another podcast interview?

How important is it to build a TikTok following?

Would your audience prefer one incredibly valuable post a week over shallow fluff every day?

Will your kid brag about how awesome you are on Facebook to his friends?

Can’t the emails wait?

Talk honestly about which work matters to your business and which is just you chasing shadows.

2) Do work during work time.

Checking your phone during playtime with your kids is a Dick move.

It just is. They’re kids. All they want is attention. Give it to them.

When it’s work time, think about work.

When it’s family time, think about family.

This is called being present, and it’s impossible to stress just how important being present is to living the #hustle life without being an asshole.

3) Spontaneous Acts of Appreciation

Your family is making sacrifices in order for you to live the #hustle life.

They are making sacrifices for you.

Even though they may be cool with those sacrifices and understand the “Why” behind the decisions you’ve all agreed to, they’re still putting themselves out for something YOU want to do.

You're going to want to apologize for their sacrifices. It’s a nice thing, but don’t overdo it. At a certain level, everyone knows that’s just lip service.

If you want to show your family (particularly your spouse) you appreciate the hardships they’ve taken on so you can follow your dream, show them through spontaneous acts of appreciation.

Schedule a babysitter, book a hotel, and make reservations at your wife’s favorite restaurant in the closest get-a-way city.

Or you could stalk her computer for open online shopping carts with clothes she loves buying but struggles to pull the trigger on. Then buy the clothes for her.

Don’t ask what she wants.

Figure it out.

The effort, the thought, that’s what matters.

4) Be Awesome. Crush it.

This one is simple. If you’re going to live the #hustle life and put your family through the stress and sacrifice, you better fucking win.

They’re betting on you.

You must make good on your promises.

No excuses.

Go win.

5) Support Her Hustle

Just because you started watching the #AskGaryVee show first does not mean you’ve laid sole claim to the #hustle life.

You must support your spouse in her own endeavors as she’s supported you.

So you have to move your schedule around, so what?

Do it.

I’m serious.

You’re going to want to complain.

Don’t.

Don’t you do it…

Only a true #hustle life asshole would ask for someone’s support and deny that person when the same request was made in return.

Rockstars Can Be Family Men Too

Forget about that 23-year-old infopreneur dipshit traveling around the world preaching the entrepreneurial #hustle life.

“Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.” 

~ Master Yoda

You got married, you have kids; that life is gone.

Good.

That life is lonely.

There is nothing more rewarding than killing at work and coming home to a house full of people that love the shit out of you.

Here is reality:

• There is always going to be someone who works harder than you,

• There is always going to be someone who works longer hours than you do,

• There is always going to be someone willing to set more of their life aside for work than you,

• There is always going to be someone whose life looks more exciting than your life,

• There is always going to be someone to be jealous of…

But no one will ever be able to combine your gangster skills with the love of your amazing family.

No one.

That, my friends, is something to be jealous of.

Happiness, in the #hustle life, is showing more appreciation for the family you’ve built, then the work that provides your lifestyle.

Updates to the Story

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a happily ever after for me.

After 13 years of marriage, my wife and I divorced in 2022.

It’s OK.

We are different people.

And we’re good co-parents, which is all that matters.

However, I’ll never forget the lessons I learned early in my career, getting caught up in the hustle life.

Today I prioritize my boys over everything else (to the detriment of my love life).

But I’m OK with that too.

We all have to make choices and live with the consequences.

The key is not to get blindsided.

You always get exactly what you deserve.

Now get to work.

Hanley

p.s. if you are enjoying Finding Peak, it would mean a lot to me if you shared this article with your network…

p.s.s If you’re looking for something awesome to listen to you, this episode of the podcast is baller:

Here are three ways to get more content right now:

1. Check out the Finding Peak archives.

2. Subscribe to my podcast.

3. Connect on LinkedIn.

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